Relationships: Quality is Not a Luxury

I am sure you have heard the phrase, “I am professional; I do not have to like you to be able to work with you.” While there is obviously some level of truth to this saying, it clearly does not describe an ideal situation. The simple fact is that business is much easier to conduct when relationships amongst the players are positive. I believe that all of us find it easier to work when our professional relationships are marked with respect, trust and a positive affect.

This is the third in a series of four e-zines which are looking at what I call the foundational elements for creating a great workplace. The first of the four looked at the organizational culture, the second at the concept of productivity and the last will look at growth and advancement. This e-zine focuses on the quality of relationships under the belief that attractive workplaces are marked with great relationships. While it may be simplistic, I believe it is fundamentally true to say that all great things, at least in a business sense, flow from the quality of relationships. So what constitutes “quality?” Read on.

The Speed of Trust is a new book by Stephen M. R. Covey. The basic premise of this book is that business transactions and business activity all work more efficiently when there is a high level of trust in the relationship of the players. He makes a very compelling argument. In the absence of trust, everything slows down while the parties go to great lengths to do their “due diligence.” I have always believed that trust, in the context of business activities, is a reflection of reliability. Or, how about this from Confucius: If language is not in accordance with the truth of things, then affairs cannot be carried on to success. Double speak will destroy trust very quickly.

In 2005 Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman released their book First Break All the Rules: What the World’s Greatest Managers do Differently. Based on a massive amount of data collected by the Gallup organization, this book explores what organizations successfully do to keep their top performers. Not surprisingly, having a great relationship with one’s supervisor and having a close friend at work are two of the top five reasons why top performers stay.

One of the series of courses in the MBA program that I teach at Portland State University is in the area of labor relations. Does it surprise you at all for me to say that the quality of the relationship between the labor organization and the management is a critical component in how quickly and effectively they are able to resolve problems? If their relationship is strained, marked with distrust and full of animus, problem solving is often a tortured event. On the other hand, even when disagreement is substantial, where the parties respect each other they are far more likely to successfully work through the problem and find a solution acceptable to both.

Enough talk about why quality relationships are an essential part of a great workplace. The important question focuses on what can be done to create positive relationships. I have a thought or two to share with you in response.

To begin, I read somewhere in the distant past that many of the effective approaches to improving the quality of relationships are counter-intuitive. That is, these approaches involve doing the exact opposite of what we feel like doing. One of my favorite Abraham Lincoln quotes is his statement, “I find when I do not like a man that I need to get to know him better.” This is what I believe is meant by counter-intuitive. I usually find that when I do not like a man, the last thing in the world I want to do is to get to know him better (think of your favorite political whipping person). Yet most of us, when we study the matter, probably agree with the sentiment expressed by Lincoln.

Also, what I have found about building relationships is that the Robert Sutton book, The Knowing-Doing Gap definitely applies – knowing what to do is easy; it is the doing that is hard. Don Miguel Ruiz, in his marvelous book The Four Agreements, repeats on a number of occasions that each of the “agreements” are simple, very powerful and hard to do; with the first (be impeccable with your word) being the hardest.

I agree and, therefore, put before you three simple, powerful, counter-intuitive and hard to do suggestions.

First, Roger Fisher and Scott Brown, in their book Getting Together: Building a Relationship that Gets to Yes provides two key thoughts. They argue that a quality relationship should be pursued separately from the business issues that are being dealt with. Trying to build a relationship at the same time that one is dealing with a sticky business problem is difficult at best. Moreover, it is possible to build and maintain a good relationship even where the parties disagree on an issue. Respectful disagreement is possible and in almost every case will lead to better solutions and outcomes than disrespectful disagreement.

Additionally, Fisher and Brown are great proponents of what they call “unconditionally constructive behavior.” This is what I consider to be the counter-intuitive aspect of what they are proposing. Typically, we condition our constructive behavior upon the positive behavior of the other party. If they are less than honest, we are less than honest with them. If they fail to consult with us, we choose not to consult with them. According to Fisher and Brown, everyone loses when you participate in this game. One engages in unconditionally constructive behavior because it is in your best interest to do so. There is no benevolence or altruism involved. For example, one acts reliably even if the other acts unreliably because to act reliably is in your best interest. There are no positive payoffs from acting unreliably regardless of what the other party is doing.

Second, dealing with grumpy, grouchy, demanding people is frustrating and usually produces personal fantasies filled with revenge themes – how can I best get even with this person. Here is a counter-intuitive idea from the book and training film titled Fish! One of the most popular training films ever and based on a fish market at the famous Pike Place Street Market in Seattle, Washington, Fish! encourages us to “make the day” of the contentious person. Instead of “getting even” strategies, why not pursue the goal of making the individual’s interaction with yourself the best part of that person’s day? Two amazing things happen when you pursue this goal. One is that you may find an astonishing transformation in the person you are dealing with. The other is that you will feel much better personally when pursuing a positive strategy as opposed to being consumed by negative thoughts and actions.

Remember what I said earlier: these are simple, powerful concepts that are difficult to implement. It is hard to want to “make the day” of a person standing in front of you who is doing everything possible to make your day miserable.

Finally, I want to set forth Robert Greenleaf’s thoroughly discussed topic of servant leadership. Greenleaf’s work emphasizes that leadership is most effective when it is not viewed as power over subordinates, but rather is seen as being in service to those around you. Since Greenleaf’s original work in the nineteen eighties, there have been a multitude of other books written on the same subject. The point is always the same: being in service is far more effective than lording it over.

Applying the same reasoning to relationships, I would like to promote servant relationships. Tim Sanders' book Love is the Killer App provides excellent ideas on how one can properly express love in the workplace by being in service. Sanders believes that love is the killer app because it ultimately is the most powerful business tool.

A closing thought; Robert Heinlein is one of my favorite science fiction writers. Before his death he wrote almost 100 books. His best known character is a man by the name of Lazarus Long (still living at the age of 3,000). Lazarus Long is an interstellar warrior along the lines of Hans Solo. There is a little book called The Famous Quotations of Lazarus Long and in it you will find:

Always remember this; your enemy is not wrong in his own eyes. If you keep this in mind you may be able to make him your friend. If not kill him, but not with hate.

Whenever I use this quote I always remind the audience that on a planet far, far away killing may not be a problem. On earth it is a different matter. So, go easy on the killing part. There are two aspects of the quote, however, which I am very fond of. First, there is the counter-intuitive concept of turning your enemy into your friend. Second, and a good place to end this column, hate is a sure destroyer of relationships and it has no positive outcomes. Even when an organization is confronted with the necessity to take decisive action against an employee, a negative affect does not have to be a part of that process.

Next Month: Growth and Advancement as a component of the great workplace.

Reader Question

We are downsizing our agency by eliminating some programs. Most of the employees in those programs will be laid off. A substantial majority of the employees that will be laid off are over 40, while a significant majority of those retained are under 40. Are we in trouble?

Obviously you are concerned with what we call age discrimination. The ADEA (Age Discrimination in Employment Act) is the Federal statute of interest, and there may very well be state statutes that would apply. You should definitely assess your situation to determine whether there is a potential problem of sufficient risk that it warrants seeking specific legal advice. For example, you use the words “substantial majority.” What is the total number that you are laying off and what is the actual percentage of senior employees being laid off, as compared to the percentage of senior employees being retained? Is there a significant wage gap between the two groups? The arithmetic itself may make you vulnerable. If so, I would definitely want to check with a knowledgeable attorney as to how the law relates to your particular situation and as to whether there are court decisions that may give guidance on the matter.

While I will leave it to the attorneys to give specific council, there are some general comments that may be helpful with regard to employment and age discrimination. First, with regard to the concept of employment discrimination, there is both the issue of disparate treatment and disparate impact, both of which are prohibited by the ADEA. Disparate treatment involves singling out a protected group for adverse action. Disparate impact concerns what appears to be a neutral action, but one that disproportionately, adversely impinges on a protected class (senior employees being a protected class). Depending on the specific facts of the situation, either one of these two could be present in the situation described in the question. Most likely, however, the situation involves a question of disparate impact.

The antidote for a claim of disparate impact is a valid argument by the employer that actions were taken for a bona fide business reason. Be careful, what may appear on its face to be a neutral action (not favoring one group over another) may be seen quite differently by the courts. Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:

• Why are we closing these programs while keeping others?

• Will we be reopening, in the near future, the same programs and hiring younger employees?

• How is it that the programs we are closing have the senior employees while the programs we are keeping have the junior?

• Are we denying bumping rights to our senior employees while in the past we have been open to finding positions for the senior employees in the programs we are retaining?

Answering these questions is important to fully understand the implications of what you are doing and to fully explore your vulnerabilities.

Books of the Month

Professional Growth: Marketing departments specialize in writing powerful, sticky messages. Regardless of your position, however, getting your messages to stick can have a substantial payoff. I found the following book very useful even though I have little to do with marketing.

Made to Stick - Chip Heath and Dan Heath

Personal Growth: Are you intrigued by the debate between science and theology? A Joyful Theology is a simple book with a powerful and deep message. I like books that expand your thinking and leave you feeling joyful.

A Joyful Theology – Sara Maitland

Quote of the Month

Instead of loving your enemy, treat your friend a little bit better.

Edgar Watson Howe